Boats against the current

More Diabetes Daily Aug 12, 2011, 7:58 am

And with that the fire is gone. Not a remnant, a hot coal, a stray ember or even a smouldering pile.

The fire that kept my diabetes management on track is gone. In between the long hours at work, extreme lows and blistering highs I’ve rediscovered a void. A relic of a past era that led to the onset of chronic diabetic complications in my life.

The language has changed, my demeanour is not what it was and the spring in my step is gone, Frankly, I couldn’t care a less. I’ve lost the handle and I’m sick of carrying the baggage of an inoperable pancreas. Dead weights and immovable objects are my new norm,

Having got so sick I promised myself I’d never return but the lack of rhyme or reason has got to me. The back patting from awe struck medics has given way to disclaimers. The reassurances of continued health with continued vigilance has become a surrender to the fortunes of an untamable chronic illness. “Despite your best efforts”, “You’ve come so far but…” “the damage is after all permanent” are the words that ring in my head. Small issues are looming large and I’m looking to bail.

This ship is sinking. Tossed about on a rough sea and stripped of all but the bare necessities I’m still taking on water. The music that once stirred me now adds to my misery. The community that has kept me now seems a distant memory.

Each day I wake with a new promise. Today will be different I tell myself as I plunge headlong into another day of anarchy. After I get through this I’ll pull myself together and all will be well….and all the while my numbers are rising….too busy to test and too tired to care.

I want to be shook up but I’m too fragile to listen. I’m headed down a dangerous road and heaven help the folk who get in my way. It’s turn or burn and it’s just too hard to turn.

And so it goes on, at least for now. I remain the Gatsby of the Diabetes Community as the words of F.Scott Fitzgerald ring in my head…..”so we beat on, … Read the Rest

Tags: i’m, myself, continued, words, ring, it’s, community, sick, diabetes, i’ve, chronic, care, fire,